Under Pressure
(Image: @riyel.photo/@lauranola)
It all started when I had a one on one conversation with my boss. He asked ‘What’s your plan in the next 12 months?’ The moment he asked, I froze. I couldn't find the words to answer the question. When preparing for job interviews, one of the most common questions asked is ‘What is your plan for the next five years?’. These questions have always triggered anxiety and fear for me. How am I supposed to know what I want to do within the next twelve months or five years when I can’t even decide what I want to eat half the time?
A few days after, I had caught up with a couple of friends for dinner. My friend began to ask me about my plan for a side business and how it’ll make money. At this point, the Iceberg finally tipped. I was once again feeling uneasy. I felt as if I was being judged. Were they thinking less of me because I didn’t know what my next steps are? I’ve realised that my mind was taking these questions as personal attacks. My brain was translating the information as if I didn’t know what I was doing in my life, which maybe reflected in some truths. When those questions were asked, I began to feel less of myself - like I was a headless chook. I learnt to avoid it as much as I can by saying ‘How does one even know what tomorrow even brings?’.
I have always known what I want to do. I write goals and put a line through them whenever I complete them. Being human, we want to feel a sense of belonging and approval - that ‘Hey, I’m worthy!’ feeling. For some reason, when getting targeted questions around the future, I blank out and completely forget my plans. I end up wanting to say something that would impress or get others to like or appreciate me.
This is the process I'm unlearning. I am becoming more aware of how easily I shift because of my assumption of how people react. These assumptions have been based on past experiences. This all began when I was dating someone who put a huge amount of pressure on me to be doing something better than what I was doing - which is perfectly okay, but the way this pressure was applied to me was belittling and aggressive. This is when I became acquainted with two emotions that changed my world depression and anxiety.
After years of healing and growth, I started a journey of self love and patience. After feeling anxious, I acknowledged it, then redefined it. These questions push me to be better, that they weren’t judging me or personally attacking me. I’ve been working on being grounded in who I am, and that means re-working negative thoughts and challenging false beliefs. This allows me to be free in who I am and to do what I feel is right in my own time. It’s liberating to be so grounded in your sense of self.
I finished reading Brene Brown’s book The Gift Of Imperfections. I think the best quote I found was ‘Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.’ Whenever I’m now goal setting, instead of asking myself what I have planned for the next year or five years, I now ask myself - what do I want to do? What do I want to try? This eases the pressure of having to know exactly what you’re going to do - that way, you have flexibility to change direction or course.
When you feel anxious or pressure, feel, explore, acknowledge, and apply action. These are the steps that have helped me find inner peace, acceptance, and strength. Understanding my own anxieties has given me an opportunity to allow others to be as human as I am. We are all on different journeys, and each of us are on our own paths. Our jobs are to respect one’s path and provide support when needed.
