Lessons of a 30 year old

(Image: provided by @lauranola)

They say 30s is your prime, I kind of get this now, as if I feel like I know who I am as a person and know what you need (not want). Life at 30 should be no different than any other year except there are more lessons and life experience that you could imagine. I’m completely opposite to what society envisions for a 30 year old, single, not a home-owner and not a parent. Honestly the last few years has been quite an interesting journey, having to unravel learnt beliefs that were unhealthy, let go of criticism and expectations that have been pushed on me. 

It is incredible how fast time flies. There are way too many things I’d love to share from my journey so far but I don’t want to bore you to death in no particular order are lessons I’ve learnt to ensure that I never lose myself. I want to dedicate myself to being open to learning and new experiences. I’m still learning to embrace this life, embarking on a beautiful journey of self discovery. Accepting that I’m constantly in the process of becoming the best version of myself. I hope you take on what you need from the below...

1. Love yourself
This one has been a tough one for me, I can exert confidence and joy but can have such a sensitive side that I rarely show. The toughest belief I had to learn was that I was enough. I found myself trying to live to others expectations, carrying responsibilities and burdens that were not mine to carry. When I reflect back on my life I always thought that whatever I did wasn’t enough, that I wasn’t enough. I had to learn to understand that no matter how many achievements, valuables I gained it didn’t define my value and worth. Learning that loving yourself isn’t arrogance or pride but it is to appreciate all that you are as an entire being. Allowing yourself to be human, making mistakes and learning from them. I spent so many years living my life for other people thinking it was my responsibility to make them happy, that I forgot about myself. I really didn’t know who I was as a person and would completely be destroyed when someone was upset with me.

Thankfully I believe in a God who surprisingly loves me for me. I don’t have to tick boxes to feel validated and whole. Believing in a higher power allowed me to set realistic boundaries that protect myself from being just a shell of a human. It has given me more purpose and worth that I could imagine. I was able to get to know my true self and become grounded. Many people will project their expectations on you or tell you who you are and if you don’t know yourself well enough you’ll completely lose yourself trying to fit yourself in someone’s mould for you. I’m grateful that I’ve learnt to become so self-aware that I know when I can be triggered or when someone is projecting themselves onto me. No-one knows yourself more than you. I know myself better than anyone else. 

To have real and wholesome relationships you must learn to love yourself, you will find healing and peace within yourself instead of expecting it from other people. Growing up in an asian family where we are taught that family is always first (which is not necessarily a bad thing), but can cause us to carry burdens that aren’t ours in the first place. We lose track of roles and responsibility and forget that everyone has a choice in how they feel and act. At times we take on the responsibility of ensuring everyone is happy, thinking that is our job. I’ve learnt that you can only do so much to help people but it is not our responsibility to save them. We can guide them and support them but the rest is up to them. All that time and energy we use on people that don’t want to change is wasted energy that you could use to improve and better yourself.

2.  Be vulnerable.
I love being honest with my feelings. You are well respected when you’re open about your struggles. People tend to put on a facade that everything is ok and perfect. In reality we are all facing our own battles, when we’re vulnerable we allow others to enter this space too. A safe space where there is no judgment. All we want is to be able to live freely as we are mistakes and all! Confidence is being able to hold your head up high when facing adversities and just owning it. It is honestly okay to feel the lowest of the lows. When you learn to just feel it all, you get to understand yourself and others a little more.

3. Be present.
There are many things we cannot control such as time, the future and people. In the past I have spent so much energy trying to control things that were not meant for me, as if I was playing God. That whatever I thought was good for me wasn’t something I actually needed. As a result it did not allow me to live presently. I had missed opportunities that were presented to me because I was focused on what was going to happen in the future. I’ve learnt that the future is created in every single moment. It is being created right now, your decisions today alter the future. The more aware I am of my decisions throughout the day, the more I’m able to enjoy where I am right now. This allows me to be at peace and feel less anxious because I’m not constantly worrying about what could be (not that planning for the future is a bad thing) but you can plan so much and it’ll never be what you had expected because at the end of the day we have no control over it. Being present each day allows us to be aware of our surroundings, enjoy relationships to the fullest and releases fear and anxiety of what is to come, one day at a time. At times i’ve missed critical moments in relationships because my mind is elsewhere, real connections is what we all long for. So do yourself and others a favour and be present.

4. Be your own expectation.
I can come off as someone that has such high expectations from others. This was a very hard process for me as much was expected of me growing up. I was highly criticized (til’ this day I still am) and this became a learnt behaviour. I became very critical of others. Throughout this journey I have learnt to become aware of how I was expecting so much from other people, this would always result in disappointment and anger for me. I’ve learnt to understand that everyone is brought up differently, have different values and have been through different experiences. I cannot expect others to live to my standards, in saying this I have managed to stop projecting what I wanted from people and be that person instead. Setting standards for myself has allowed me to let go of trying to control those around me, appreciate and accept people as they are. At the same time being able to better myself in so many ways.

5. Character is your biggest asset.
We are constantly bombarded with messages that external things are our biggest assets, title, investments, belongings whatever it may be. I’ve learnt that all external things always come and go. What always remains is you. Invest in yourself, lean into wisdom and continuously learn to grow. Whatever the circumstances you face, always choose the option that will allow you to grow regardless how scary it is. You’ll build enough wisdom to face challenges. Skills can be taught but character is so hard to find. 

6. We add value to each other.
I love this little metaphor I came up with. Think of us humans as a puzzle. We are all different individual pieces but somehow when put together we create the bigger picture. There are some areas that are not our greatest strengths and here’s when we each play our roles. We all have the opportunity to add value to one another. Every strength and weakness can be shared with someone else to build the bigger picture.

7. Never assume and always ask.
Your mind can really make up scenarios in your head, which then leads to anxiety and false perceptions of a situation or event. You can never know what people are thinking or feeling unless you ask. This clears up a lot of miscommunication and assumptions. You can really avoid all the stress and anxiety when you speak up.

8. Know your why
Growing up I was never taught to question things, I always took things as they were. The more I grew older the more I learnt to enjoy being curious. Questioning why I do the things I do. When you solidify this you learn to understand yourself and what is important to you. Knowing your why allows you to make better decisions that align to what you believe and value. This allows you to be more intentional with your actions, making the process of elimination easier for you when making decisions. Knowing your why gives you more confidence to stand by the choices you’ve made.

9. Be proactive.
You will never find what you’re looking for until you take the first step. We allow fear or people’s opinions to stop us from taking the smallest steps. We are our own keys, we open doors for ourselves and it is just a matter of just doing it. The more we remain stagnant the more we miss out on what could be. Take every opportunity, talk to people, see new places at the end of the day whatever you experience will always be a good story to tell. The amount of people I had met randomly and became really good friends was because I had just approached them. The times I’ve taken the risk of starting something new opened new doors for myself and the people around me. You honestly never know where life can take you, if only we take the first step.

10. Don’t take things personally.
After learning about myself and understanding my traumas I began to understand humans at such a deeper level. Prior to this I would always take what people say personally where it made me think ‘What’s wrong with me?’. I was constantly anxious about what others would think of me and would carry their words to the point that I believed that I was the problem. What people say and do is a projection of themselves and their pain. When people hurt us it is because they are hurting. At times it is not even us that is the issue. Be so present and grounded that you’re able to see past the hurtful things people say.

11. Choose who you listen to.
People have a lot to say about us. It can be positive or negative. At times we allow the words of other people to dictate our lives which stops us from being our true selves. I’ve learnt to reflect on people and their words. Before taking on anyone’s comments or advice i go through a mental check list: Do they share the same values as me?, Are they saying this to allow me to grow?, How do they lead their own lives?, What do their relationships look like? If we allow people who know nothing about love, patience and understanding dictate our lives then we tend to be imprisoned and limit ourselves to really be free. The right people will speak purposefully into your life. If it is toxic and allows you to feel anxiety and depression you have a choice to totally disregard what they say.

12. Tell people how you really feel about them.
I have attended so many funerals in my lifetime and I’ve heard the many speeches people have said about those who have passed. I always think to myself why can’t we say these things to people while they are alive? Why not show our appreciation and love for them now? We all know what it is like when someone says positive things about us, it lights us up and reminds us of how good we can be as people. It allows us to remember these words when we are at the lowest of lows. Why wait until they’ll no longer be around? Always tell people how you feel about them because you never know when you’ll ever get the next opportunity!

13. Accept that life is a journey.
There is always a what’s next. When we accept that we will constantly face trials we tend to enjoy the ride a little more. You will never be the same person as you are 5 years ago, there are always opportunities for new beginnings, there is always a chance for us to learn and grow. Don’t beat yourself up when you slip up because at the end of the day our actions do not define our value and worth, learn from it, appreciate it and continuously keep moving, learning and growing! We’re all on this journey together.

I hope you enjoyed my little gift of wisdom to you all. It’s the least I can do for being alive for 30 years.